Everything You Need

As a companion piece to "Great Chemistry", this one is for the social scientists -- or for anyone who struggles to find meaning in life and the correct aisle at the grocery store.

In 2015, this ten-minute play was selected for the Annual 8 X 10 Festival of Short Plays hosted by the Fairbanks Drama Association and The Looking Glass Group Theatre.  It was performed at the Hap Ryder Riverfront Theater in Fairbanks, Alaska on April 24th and 25thth of that year. I'm sharing it now in memory of Peggy Ferguson, Executive Director of the Fairbanks Drama Association and Children's Theater, who was an inspiration to all of us -- and didn't mind my nerdy sense of humor. 

 

Setting:

Fairbanks Alaska, present time

Fred Meyer supermarket checkout – two parallel lanes

The setting can be merely suggested, using simple tables in place of conveyor belts and miming the checkout process. One checker stands at each register.

 

Characters:

VINCENT (CHECKER ONE), thirties or forties, male.

CHECKER TWO, any age or gender.               

OLIVE (CUSTOMER ONE), similar age to VINCENT. Female. 

 

Other CUSTOMERS (any age or gender; can be played by as few as three actors, switching hats, props, etc.) 

 

Scene I

 

VOICEOVER [loud, enthusiastic]

What’s on your list today?  You’ll find it at Fred Meyer!

 

(LIGHTS UP on the two checkout stands, where VINCENT and CHECKER TWO are already standing in place. In sync, OLIVE and another CUSTOMER hurry toward their respective checkouts. OLIVE is miming pushing a heavy cart. The other CUSTOMER is miming carrying a small basket.

 

VINCENT and CHECKER TWO(in sync)

How are you today?

 

OLIVE and CUSTOMER(in sync)

Fine, thanks.

 

VINCENT and CHECKER TWO(in sync)

Did you find everything you needed?

 

(Action freezes at checkout two, but continues at checkout one, with OLIVE miming taking items from her cart, and VINCENT miming checking and bagging items.)

 

OLIVE

Well, actually, no.  What’s going on with all the rearrangement?  I couldn’t find the organic steel-cut oats or the free-range hormone-free eggs… and… well, there’s this one brand of tofu, the kind that’s hand-pressed and herb-infused…

 

VINCENT

The Arboreal Organic Melodies?  Yeah, that stuff’s fantastic!

 

                     OLIVE

You like it too?  I always slice it thin with a little garlic hummus on half a Sprout-tastic Bagel.  But I can’t find those, either. Or the Vegan Vagabond quiches. I couldn’t find ANYTHING I needed today. 

VINCENT

Well, I’m not sure that any of those items – although technically food -- are shelved with Basic Physiological Needs.  Maybe your needs are actually at some other level of the hierarchy.

 

OLIVE

Hierarchy? Basic physiological needs? What are you talking about?  And why are the organic bulk bins now located next to the greetings cards, the Harlequin romances, and the condoms?

 

(Action freezes at checkout 1 and resumes at checkout 2.)

 

CUSTOMER

No, actually.  I didn’t find everything I needed.  What the heck is the deal?  Where can I find the duct tape, huh?  And a tarp. I need a tarp.

 

CHECKER 2

Oh, tape and tarps will be with the pilot bread and the mac and cheese.

 

CUSTOMER 

     Uh… what?

 

CHECKER 2

New policy.  Our manager, Mr. Maslow, is trying to make sure everyone finds what they need.  It’s all based on his hierarchical system.

 

(Another CUSTOMER enters and unobtrusively gets in line behind the first CUSTOMER, standing back slightly, but clearly listening.)

 

CUSTOMER

Look, I just want a goddamned tarp!  Where the -

 

CHECKER 2

Try checking the Basic Physiological Needs Aisle.  Just past the beer.  If you get to the cans of spray foam, you’ve gone too far.

 

(CUSTOMER stalks away, exiting, and is replaced by the next CUSTOMER)

 

CHECKER TWO

Hey there.  Did you find everything you needed?

 

(Action freezes at checkout 2, while actors at checkout 1 spring to life.)

 

VINCENT

Well, our new manager is really focused on the store slogan – Everything You Need.  We’re supposed to be shelving items according to his Hierarchy of Needs…

 

OLIVE

What do hierarchies have to do with organic turmeric and honey sesame sticks?

 

                     VINCENT

Well… I dunno… It made sense when Mr. Maslow explained it.  Basic Physiological Needs -- that’s the base of the pyramid. Safety, Security, and Health -- that comes next. Human Connection and Love is third… then Prestige and Confidence… and at the pinnacle, there’s Self Actualization. 

 

                     OLIVE

Great.  Well, can you tell Mr. - what’s it, Maslow? - that I don’t need bodice rippers or anything that’s “ribbed”?  I need Organic Arboreal Melodies Herb-Infused Hand-Pressed Tofu.

 

                     VINCENT

Fair enough.  That’s what I need, too.  Or… at least… [hesitates thoughtfully] that’s what I WANT.  What I actually need is…[trails off].

                    

                     OLIVE

[Interested, looking at him directly for the first time] What?  What do you really need?

 

(Action freezes at checkout 1, while actors at checkout 2 spring to life.)

 

CUSTOMER

(Fidgeting uncomfortably) No, I, um… Well, I couldn’t find… That is, my wife (or husband) told me to look for…

 

(CUSTOMER leans closer to CHECKER and whispers something unintelligible.)

 

                          CHECKER

The regular, or the extra strength?

 

CUSTOMER

(Very flustered) Oh, no! Not the... I mean, um, just the regular. 

 

(Another CUSTOMER enters, pulling along a SMALL CHILD who is designated as such by clutching a stuffed animal, sucking thumb, whining, etc.  They get in line.)

 

CHECKER

(Sounding slightly disappointed) You sure?  The extra strength, it lasts for fourteen hours.  At least, that’s what I’ve heard.

 

CUSTOMER

(Glancing anxiously at the other CUSTOMER and CHILD)  Yes, um… yes.

 

CHECKER TWO

Okay, that would be in Safety and Wellbeing.  Just past the vaginal yeast medication and the suppositories.

 

(CUSTOMER hastens off, exiting, and is replaced at the register by the next CUSTOMER and CHILD)

 

CHECKER 2

Did you find everything you needed today?

 

(Action freezes at checkout 2, and resumes at checkout 1).

 

VINCENT

What do I really need? That’s a can of worms, isn’t it?  I used to think I knew.  I mean, when I was sixteen, I was pretty sure that what I needed most in the world was to play lead guitar for a garage band called “The Ironmongers.”

 

OLIVE

(Laughing)  Right.  And I thought I needed to get into the college of my choice, rock the pre-med scene, and ultimately discover the cures for cancer, Alzheimer’s and hangnails.

 

VINCENT

I thought I needed to shout earnest, grating lyrics about world peace.  Of course, part of me also thought I needed to drive down to South Cushman with Laurie, from my homeroom, who applied her mascara with a trowel.

 

                     OLIVE

And I thought I needed to be valedictorian over at West Valley – and also magically seduce a boy named Greg entirely by gazing longingly at the back of his head during biology class.

 

VINCENT

     (Interested) So, did that work out?

 

OLIVE

Was I valedictorian?  No.  Third.  But I did go to the college of my choice.  Got lucky.  Or did you mean, was I ever Greg’s girlfriend?  I… (Pauses, looks away).  I’ve been… less lucky with… all that.

 

VINCENT

     I… um… yeah.   Me, too.

 

OLIVE

(Teasing) You’re not Greg’s girlfriend, either?

VINCENT

(Laughing) Maybe I’d have more luck if I were batting for that team. Maybe not. But, hey, it sounds like you got the degree you wanted.  The world will be both cancer-free and hangnail-free any day now -- assuming you specialized in both oncology and dermatology. 

 

OLIVE

You’re pretty erudite for a grocery checker.

 

VINCENT

Um, thanks? 

OLIVE

Crap.  That came out wrong.  I – I always say the wrong thing.

 

(Action freezes at checkout 1, and resumes at checkout 2).

 

CUSTOMER

No, I did NOT find what I needed. Do you carry the Baby Einstein DVD collection? 

 

CHILD

(In a piercing whine, grabbing for items on invisible shelves) Want candy!

 

                          CUSTOMER

I’m particularly interested in Baby Beethoven and Baby Van Gogh.

 

CHILD

(Even louder) Want this!  Want this!

 

(Another CUSTOMER enters and joins the line behind the CUSTOMER and CHILD, but leaving a significant space and recoiling from the screaming.)

 

                          CUSTOMER

     And Suzuki books.  I need Sukuzi books, too.

 

CHILD

(Screaming) Caaaaaaaandy!

 

                          CHECKER 2

Try Prestige and Feelings of Confidence.  Aisle eleven.  Look for the NFL infant onesies and the Class of 2035 toddler sweatshirts. On the bottom shelf you’ll find all the products intended to address sublimated hopes for status redirected onto the next generation. 

 

(CUSTOMER exits, dragging CHILD, who is still having a tantrum.  The next CUSTOMER steps forward.)

 

CHECKER 2

(Sounding extremely tired) Did you find everything you needed?

 

(Action freezes at checkout 2, and resumes at checkout 1).

 

VINCENT

It’s okay.  You’re right.  I AM pretty damned erudite for a cashier.  And you’re pretty damned erudite for someone out buying pressed tofu in the middle of the afternoon on a Tuesday.

 

OLIVE

Technically, I’m not actually buying any pressed tofu, because it’s hidden in some part of Maslow’s hierarchy that I haven’t found yet. 

 

VINCENT

Ah, but I can let you in on that secret.  All the Arboreal Melodies products are in the Prestige and Feelings of Confidence category. 

 

OLIVE

Maslow’s fourth level?

 

VINCENT

Yup. They’re with the hair dye, the SAT prep guides, the Let’s Go Travel books, and the ribbed flavored condoms.

 

OLIVE

But not the regular standard-issue rubbers?

 

VINCENT

Nah.  We’ve got a few in the third level – Love and Connection – but mostly they’re in Health and Safety, with the Tylenol and Tums.

 

OLIVE

Health and Safety, all the way down on the second level - that’s me, I guess.  I work the swing shift at the emergency room. 

 

VINCENT

I was an English major.  I’ve got seven unpublished novels on my laptop.  One of them is getting some nibbles from agents, but I’m nowhere close to quitting my day job. 

 

OLIVE

In the winter, I don’t see daylight at all.  All year, I see people who can’t afford health insurance, and people who made bad choices, and people who had horrible luck.  I guess I deal with nothing but low-on-the-hierarchy basics.

 

VINCENT

I’ve been here so long that I’ve got every produce code memorized.  Clementines: 3384.  Star fruit: 4256.  Chestnuts: 4927. 

 

OLIVE

And I’m not a doctor.  I’m an RN. 

 

VINCENT

Tamarinds: 4448.  Jesus, I even know tamarinds…

 

OLIVE

I haven’t discovered the cure for anything.

 

VINCENT

I haven’t discovered...

 

(Vincent stops in mid-sentence and meets Olive’s gaze.  She gazes back at him.  Action freezes at checkout 1, and resumes at checkout 2).

 

CUSTOMER

I need Lunchables.

 

CHECKER 2

No you don’t.  No one needs Lunchables.

 

(CUSTOMER looks momentarily confused, then nods and mimes handing over cash and receiving change as a new CUSTOMER enters, this time pushing an extremely heavy cart.  The first customer exits. As the second CUSTOMER reaches the register, action freezes at checkout 2, and resumes at checkout 1).

 

                          OLIVE

(Gaze still locked with VINCENT’s) I don’t have to be at work until midnight tonight. (Pause) I make a damn fine tofu and sprout sandwich.

 

VINCENT

My shift ends in twenty minutes.  I own a juicer.  And I know how to use it.

 

(Action resumes at checkout 2, but does not freeze at checkout 1).

 

CHECKER 2

Did you find everything you needed?

 

OLIVE, VINCENT, and CUSTOMER (in sync)

     Yes.  Yes, I think I did.

 

 

(END OF PLAY.)

 

Great Chemistry

In 2019, this ten-minute play was selected for the Annual 8 X 10 Festival of Short Plays hosted by the Fairbanks Drama Association and The Looking Glass Group Theatre.  It was performed at the Hap Ryder Riverfront Theater in Fairbanks, Alaska on April 26th and 27th of that year. I'm sharing it now in memory of Peggy Ferguson, Executive Director of the Fairbanks Drama Association and Children's Theater, who was an inspiration to all of us -- and didn't mind my nerdy sense of humor.

If any equally nerdy high school science teacher or college chemistry professor with theatrical ambitions ever wants to stage a performance of this play, it's all yours.  Go for it.  But I'd love to know if you do.

Setting:

A room at a speed-dating service. Contemporary.

Characters:

HELIUM (female) — light-hearted, engaging, kind

NEON (male) — cheerful, bright, polite

OXYGEN (female) – vampish, pushy

NITROGEN (female) — unimaginative, tedious

CHLORINE (female) — sarcastic, defensive 

CARBON (male) — overbearing, predatory 

NITROGEN (male) — dull, droning

SODIUM (male) — eager, excitable

Notes:

The set can be very simple. It might consist of nothing more than eight folding chairs arranged in four groups of two and a prominent sign saying, “Great Chemistry Speed Dating”.

Characters should wear solid-colored t-shirts of different shades, with the exception of the two nitrogens, who should have identical shirts. Neon should have a bright/neon shirt. (Other logical choices might be black for carbon, yellow for sodium, blue for oxygen, white for helium, green for chlorine, and brown for the nitrogens, but this is optional.)

All characters should be wearing nametags, e.g. “Hi, my name is Oxygen”. It is not necessary that these be legible from the audience.

Throughout the action, mimed conversations take place in all character pairs, but only one conversation is audible at a time - always involving one or both of the main characters, NEON and HELIUM.

 

Scene I

[LIGHTS UP on eight people sitting in pairs of chairs. In this initial grouping, NEON is conversing audibly with NITROGEN(f). HELIUM is with CARBON; they are initially muted, with CARBON aggressively sleazy and HELIUM politely avoidant. The other two pairs are muted throughout. OXYGEN is flirting heavily with SODIUM, who is laughing nervously and twitching with excess energy. NITROGEN(m) is talking endlessly but without much animation to CHLORINE, who is making sarcastic comments.

Buzzer sounds. NEON and NITROGEN(f) become audible.]

NEON

[Smiling, friendly] Hey there… [glances at her nametag] Nitrogen. Wow, four minutes seems really short, but this could be fun. So, tell me about something you really like.

NITROGEN(f)

[Incredibly bland] Oh, I’m just a regular kind of gal, I guess. What do I like? Well, I really like cornfields. And wheat fields. And soybean fields. And alfalfa fields. And barley fields.

NEON

Oh, so you’re an agriculturalist?

NITROGEN(f)

Fertilizer. My whole family is into fertilizer. I also like oat fields. And sorghum fields.

NEON

Well… that’s a line of work that isn’t going to go out of style. So, do you produce organic fertilizers? Natural compost?

NITROGEN(f)

[Blankly] No.

NEON

Oh. Well, um, what are your other interests?

NITROGEN(f)

[Pause] Well, there’s my one uncle who produces nylon. I like nylon. Nylon tights. And nylon stretch pants. And nylon windbreakers. And nylon shirts. And nylon hats.

NEON

[Still polite, but glancing covertly at his watch] Um… right. Nylon.

[Their conversation continues, but now as a muted pantomime, with NEON becoming increasingly bored and NITROGEN(f) increasingly long-winded and dull. CARBON and HELIUM now become audible, in mid-conversation.]

CARBON

[Leaning in slightly too close] Oh, sure, sweetie, but what made a little cutie like you decide to try speed dating? I mean, me, I’ve formed a lot of bonds over the years, LOTS of bonds, heh heh, but…

HELIUM

[Leaning slightly away from him, but trying to be polite] To be honest, my little sister talked me into it. [Gives a fond laugh, and a small shake of her head.]

CARBON

[Paying more attention to her looks than her words] I guess I just haven’t found the right chemistry, if you know what I mean. I’ve met a lot of singles who wanted to connect with me, but I’ve really been looking for… a double bond, y’know? [Pause] Did you say your little sister?

HELIUM

Yeah.

CARBON

Oh, and what’s HER name?

HELIUM

Hydrogen.

CARBON

[Leering] Oh, Hydrogen! She’s your sister? I’ve often… I mean, I hear she’s really… well… yeah, everyone knows Hydrogen… [Snickers]

HELIUM

[Shrugs calmly, unoffended] Sure. She’s attractive. Lots of positive energy. She bonds easily. So?

CARBON

Well, from what I’ve heard, she gives her electron up pretty darned quick, if you know what I mean. Girl sure knows how to get ionic. Or so they say.

HELIUM

[Still calm] Uh huh. And what do they say about you, Carbon?

CARBON

Hey, she’s not MY sister.

[HELIUM folds her arms, leans casually away from him, and stares off into space, yawning. Buzzer sounds. Everyone gets up and changes seats. In this second configuration, NEON is with CHLORINE in audible conversation. HELIUM and SODIUM are initially muted; she is responding kindly to his slightly hyperactive banter. CARBON is hitting on NITROGEN (f), who is droning on obliviously. OXYGEN is flirting and pouting at NITROGEN (m), who is blathering away cluelessly.

CHLORINE

[On the offensive] Okay, we have four minutes. Fine. Go for it. Tell me about yourself. Whatever you’ve got to say can’t be much worse than the monologue about agricultural fertilizer I got from that last guy.

NEON

[Smiling] Fertilizer’s not my thing, although maybe that guy should meet… [he glances over toward Nitrogen (f)] …her. Well, anyhow, I mostly work in tech: high-voltage indicators and switching gear, lightning arresters, lasers, and diving equipment.

CHLORINE

[Sarcastic] Diving equipment? Yeah, right. You’re probably like, oh, Chlorine [gestures to her own nametag], I bet she’s into pools. Nope. Try again.

NEON

[Still unruffled] Oh, no – I only deal in applications for deep sea diving. For decompression purposes. It’s a safety issue. Kind of interesting, scientifically.

CHLORINE

[More interested] Oh, oceanic exploration? It’s ironic, I grew up totally land-locked, but I’ve always dreamed of going to sea.

NEON

Then you should go for it! I totally understand how you feel about people who jump to conclusions. Everyone assumes I must be in the lighting business – signs, advertising, all that.

CHLORINE

[Gestures to his bright shirt and his nametag] You think so, Neon? Gee, I wonder why?

NEON

[Looking down at his shirt] Oh, I can be a colorful guy. You have a point, there. I mean, I’m not reactive, I’m not explosive, but colorful? Yup.

CHLORINE

[Warming to him] Hey, it’s cool. I’ve got no problem with a little attention-grabbing. I suppose we could all be accused of that. Why else would we be here?

NEON

[Pausing] You know, I don’t entirely know why I came. I do like bouncing around. I like meeting people. This is kind of a charged atmosphere, which is great and all, but that kind of electricity doesn’t really… affect me.

CHLORINE

Oh, come on. Maybe you aren’t looking for, like, a long-term covalent bond, but admit it, you’d be up for a little dipole-dipole interaction.

NEON

[Reflectively] No, not really. [Sees that she looks hurt] I don’t mean it as an insult! I just… don’t bond.

CHLORINE

[Frustrated] What the hell!

[CHLORINE and NEON become muted, although still having an animated conversation, and HELIUM and SODIUM become audible.]

SODIUM

[Visibly twitchy with excitement and positive energy] So, I feel like I’d like to spend my life at sea, right? It would be so incredible! Like, I could go anywhere – the Marianas Trench or the beaches of Madagascar or anywhere – but not alone, right? So I’m trying to find someone. I just really feel like I need to be in a relationship, right?

HELIUM

[Kindly] The ocean really is lovely. That’s a beautiful dream you’ve got there. But… I think I’d be more into flying than diving. [Dreamily] Flying…

SODIUM

[Still smiling, although disappointed] I’m sorry if I seem too pushy. I just feel like I have this… positivity… that I so much want to share with someone.

HELIUM

Sodium, you’re a good guy. I hope you find the right person to share that dream with.

[Buzzer sounds. Everyone moves around again.

In this third grouping, NEON is with OXYGEN, conversing audibly. HELIUM is with NITROGEN(m), initially muted; she is trying to hide her boredom. CHLORINE is clearly making fun of CARBON’s come-ons. SODIUM is eagerly trying to get some sort of reaction from NITROGEN(f), although she is as monotonous as ever.]

OXYGEN

[Reaching out to stroke NEON’s shirt] Ooh, that color is hot.

NEON

[Inching back slightly] Nice to meet you, Oxygen. Hey, I think I’ve heard the name before; are you part of that family business over at the hospital?

OXYGEN

[Dismissively] Oh, them. Yeah, my cousins work neonatal, incubators, intensive care, life support and all that. Me, I’m more interested in playing with fire. Flame cleaning. Flame hardening. Welding.

NEON

[Genuinely interested] Oh, wow! I’ve always wondered how –

OXYGEN

[Cutting him off] But who wants to talk about work when we’re here to connect, huh? [She tries to take his hand; he evades her.]

[NEON and OXYGEN become muted, as she continues to flirt unsuccessfully. HELIUM and NITROGEN(m) become audible. HELIUM is propping up her head on her hands, as if trying to avoid falling asleep.]

NITROGEN(m)

[Droning] And as I’m sure you know, the Haber process, also called the Haber–Bosch process, is the primary means by which industrial fertilizers are produced…

HELIUM

[Produces an incoherent half-snoring noise that appears to wake her up] What? Um, right! Haber-Bosch.

[Buzzer sounds. Everyone changes places.

In this final grouping, NEON is with HELIUM; NITROGEN(f) is with NITROGEN(m); OXYGEN is with CARBON; and SODIUM is with CHLORINE.]

HELIUM

I should probably start out by apologizing. I’ve figured out that I shouldn’t be here.

NEON

[Laughs] Oh, excellent! I was just about to say the same thing about myself!

HELIUM

Really? Cool. [Visibly relaxes, grinning at him] It’s not that I’m not having fun. I’m kind of amused by the whole thing…

NEON

[Grinning back] Oh, yeah. I mean, look at those two. [Gestures to OXYGEN and CARBON who are all over each other.]

HELIUM

[Snorts with laughter] Oh, good lord. I should have guessed. Carbon and Oxygen. They’re perfect for each other - albeit a trace toxic to everyone around them.

[CARBON and OXYGEN get up from their seats in order to paw each other more effectively. They exit together, increasingly wrapped around one another.]

NEON

Oh my god: carbon monoxide. Yeah, I should have seen that coming. Triple bonded, no less. Yikes. Watch out, world.

HELIUM

[Glancing over at the two NITROGENS, who are earnestly talking together, nodding and smiling, seemingly hitting it off] Oh, and look at those two. Nitrogen meets Nitrogen.

NEON

Does he talk about nothing but…

HELIUM

Fertilizer. Yeah, pretty much.

NEON

But the two of them together…

HELIUM

N-two: gaseous nitrogen!

NEON

Common as… air. [Waves his hand around expansively]

[The two NITROGENS get up, put their arms around each other’s shoulders, and stroll off stage together, hip to hip, looking utterly content.]

HELIUM

Inert.

NEON

Totally ordinary.

HELIUM

And happy to be so.

NEON

[Shifting his attention to look at CHLORINE and SODIUM, who are bantering and laughing, thoroughly engrossed in one another] Oh, now THAT’s interesting.

HELIUM

Oh, good! I really liked Sodium. He’s got this positive energy, if you know what I mean.

NEON

And I liked Chlorine, even though she’s a little negative.

HELIUM

It looks like they balance each other perfectly.

[CHLORINE and SODIUM get up and join hands, smiling at one another and talking with great animation as if planning an elaborate future as they head off stage together.]

NEON

Sodium chloride! Of course. The salt of the earth.

HELIUM

Or sea salt. Yes. How perfect! They’re heading off to explore the ocean together.

[NEON and HELIUM are now the only two left on stage. They both get up and start drifting around as they continue talking.]

NEON

It’s not that I don’t like other people – or exploration, for that matter. I enjoy a certain amount of floating around.

HELIUM

Same! I’m not antisocial. The opposite, really. I had a job once working at kids’ parties – making balloons, you know? It was a ton of fun.

NEON

Oh, that sounds great! Even though I’m more into scientific equipment now, I don’t mind lighting things up once in a while.

HELIUM

I still throw a pretty good party. Adults like to get silly, too - [inhales and adopts a squeaky helium voice] just for the fun of it.

NEON

[Laughing] I’m there! You know, you’d fit right in at the game nights I have with my friends Argon and Krypton. Radon sometimes comes too, if I can get him to leave his basement apartment.

HELIUM

And you’d probably like heading out with me and my friend Xenon to paint the town red. Or should I say neon?

NEON

Y’know, I have great friends, and yet I’ve always felt weird about not wanting to pair off. I guess that’s why I came here. I’ve felt like I must be missing something, like I’m not living up to expectations, like I’m just too different.

HELIUM

Yeah. My sister meant well, pushing me to come here, but – it still didn’t work.

NEON

[Slowly, thinking] Or… maybe it did.

HELIUM

No… no, I really didn’t feel anything like that with anyone tonight. No sparks of electricity. No charged interactions. No polar opposites attracting. I didn’t even feel comfortable – except with you, of course, just hanging out. [Does a little mock-dance] Brownian motion!

NEON

[Laughs appreciatively] But that’s just it! I’ve had all these doubts about myself, about my differences, about my lack of bonding, but talking to you… well, in you, I can see that there’s nothing missing, and nothing extra. You’re so… balanced, so much yourself. You’re absolutely complete on your own.

HELIUM

[With dawning understanding] And… that’s what I see in you! You’re great to be around, but you don’t need to bond. You’re already you. Entirely whole. Entirely Neon.

NEON

Ah, Helium, I’m honored. [He jokingly bows to her]

HELIUM

How very - noble! [She jokingly curtsies back]

[They grin at each other in total understanding and friendship, then exchange a high-five. NEON turns and strides happily off stage, turning part way to give HELIUM a friendly wave.]

NEON

See you around! I’ve got your number!

HELIUM

[Waving back] And I’ve got yours! [After he exits, to herself] Neon: atomic number, ten. Ha! So THAT’S what a perfect ten looks like. [Laughs to herself, then stretches luxuriantly and moves slowly, lightly, across the stage, almost floating.] Damn, I feel good. Free. I might even say… lighter than air. [Dances off stage]

[LIGHTS DOWN]

(END OF PLAY.)