In 2015, this ten-minute play was selected for the Annual 8 X 10 Festival of Short Plays hosted by the Fairbanks Drama Association and The Looking Glass Group Theatre. It was performed at the Hap Ryder Riverfront Theater in Fairbanks, Alaska on April 24th and 25thth of that year. I'm sharing it now in memory of Peggy Ferguson, Executive Director of the Fairbanks Drama Association and Children's Theater, who was an inspiration to all of us -- and didn't mind my nerdy sense of humor.
Setting:
Fairbanks Alaska, present time
Fred Meyer supermarket checkout – two parallel lanes
The setting can be merely suggested, using simple tables in place of conveyor belts and miming the checkout process. One checker stands at each register.
Characters:
VINCENT (CHECKER ONE), thirties or forties, male.CHECKER TWO, any age or gender.
OLIVE (CUSTOMER ONE), similar age to VINCENT. Female.
Scene I
VOICEOVER [loud, enthusiastic]
What’s on your list today? You’ll find it at Fred Meyer!
(LIGHTS UP on the two checkout stands, where VINCENT and CHECKER TWO are already standing in place. In sync, OLIVE and another CUSTOMER hurry toward their respective checkouts. OLIVE is miming pushing a heavy cart. The other CUSTOMER is miming carrying a small basket.
VINCENT and CHECKER TWO(in sync)
How are you today?
OLIVE and CUSTOMER(in sync)
Fine, thanks.
VINCENT and CHECKER TWO(in sync)
Did you find everything you needed?
(Action freezes at checkout two, but continues at checkout one, with OLIVE miming taking items from her cart, and VINCENT miming checking and bagging items.)
OLIVE
Well, actually, no. What’s going on with all the rearrangement? I couldn’t find the organic steel-cut oats or the free-range hormone-free eggs… and… well, there’s this one brand of tofu, the kind that’s hand-pressed and herb-infused…
VINCENT
The Arboreal Organic Melodies? Yeah, that stuff’s fantastic!
OLIVE
You like it too? I always slice it thin with a little garlic hummus on half a Sprout-tastic Bagel. But I can’t find those, either. Or the Vegan Vagabond quiches. I couldn’t find ANYTHING I needed today.
VINCENT
Well, I’m not sure that any of those items – although technically food -- are shelved with Basic Physiological Needs. Maybe your needs are actually at some other level of the hierarchy.
OLIVE
Hierarchy? Basic physiological needs? What are you talking about? And why are the organic bulk bins now located next to the greetings cards, the Harlequin romances, and the condoms?
(Action freezes at checkout 1 and resumes at checkout 2.)
CUSTOMER
No, actually. I didn’t find everything I needed. What the heck is the deal? Where can I find the duct tape, huh? And a tarp. I need a tarp.
CHECKER 2
Oh, tape and tarps will be with the pilot bread and the mac and cheese.
CUSTOMER
Uh… what?
CHECKER 2
New policy. Our manager, Mr. Maslow, is trying to make sure everyone finds what they need. It’s all based on his hierarchical system.
(Another CUSTOMER enters and unobtrusively gets in line behind the first CUSTOMER, standing back slightly, but clearly listening.)
CUSTOMER
Look, I just want a goddamned tarp! Where the -
CHECKER 2
Try checking the Basic Physiological Needs Aisle. Just past the beer. If you get to the cans of spray foam, you’ve gone too far.
(CUSTOMER stalks away, exiting, and is replaced by the next CUSTOMER)
CHECKER TWO
Hey there. Did you find everything you needed?
(Action freezes at checkout 2, while actors at checkout 1 spring to life.)
VINCENT
Well, our new manager is really focused on the store slogan – Everything You Need. We’re supposed to be shelving items according to his Hierarchy of Needs…
OLIVE
What do hierarchies have to do with organic turmeric and honey sesame sticks?
VINCENT
Well… I dunno… It made sense when Mr. Maslow explained it. Basic Physiological Needs -- that’s the base of the pyramid. Safety, Security, and Health -- that comes next. Human Connection and Love is third… then Prestige and Confidence… and at the pinnacle, there’s Self Actualization.
OLIVE
Great. Well, can you tell Mr. - what’s it, Maslow? - that I don’t need bodice rippers or anything that’s “ribbed”? I need Organic Arboreal Melodies Herb-Infused Hand-Pressed Tofu.
VINCENT
Fair enough. That’s what I need, too. Or… at least… [hesitates thoughtfully] that’s what I WANT. What I actually need is…[trails off].
OLIVE
[Interested, looking at him directly for the first time] What? What do you really need?
(Action freezes at checkout 1, while actors at checkout 2 spring to life.)
CUSTOMER
(Fidgeting uncomfortably) No, I, um… Well, I couldn’t find… That is, my wife (or husband) told me to look for…
(CUSTOMER leans closer to CHECKER and whispers something unintelligible.)
CHECKER
The regular, or the extra strength?
CUSTOMER
(Very flustered) Oh, no! Not the... I mean, um, just the regular.
(Another CUSTOMER enters, pulling along a SMALL CHILD who is designated as such by clutching a stuffed animal, sucking thumb, whining, etc. They get in line.)
CHECKER
(Sounding slightly disappointed) You sure? The extra strength, it lasts for fourteen hours. At least, that’s what I’ve heard.
CUSTOMER
(Glancing anxiously at the other CUSTOMER and CHILD) Yes, um… yes.
CHECKER TWO
Okay, that would be in Safety and Wellbeing. Just past the vaginal yeast medication and the suppositories.
(CUSTOMER hastens off, exiting, and is replaced at the register by the next CUSTOMER and CHILD)
CHECKER 2
Did you find everything you needed today?
(Action freezes at checkout 2, and resumes at checkout 1).
VINCENT
What do I really need? That’s a can of worms, isn’t it? I used to think I knew. I mean, when I was sixteen, I was pretty sure that what I needed most in the world was to play lead guitar for a garage band called “The Ironmongers.”
OLIVE
(Laughing) Right. And I thought I needed to get into the college of my choice, rock the pre-med scene, and ultimately discover the cures for cancer, Alzheimer’s and hangnails.
VINCENT
I thought I needed to shout earnest, grating lyrics about world peace. Of course, part of me also thought I needed to drive down to South Cushman with Laurie, from my homeroom, who applied her mascara with a trowel.
OLIVE
And I thought I needed to be valedictorian over at West Valley – and also magically seduce a boy named Greg entirely by gazing longingly at the back of his head during biology class.
VINCENT
(Interested) So, did that work out?
OLIVE
Was I valedictorian? No. Third. But I did go to the college of my choice. Got lucky. Or did you mean, was I ever Greg’s girlfriend? I… (Pauses, looks away). I’ve been… less lucky with… all that.
VINCENT
I… um… yeah. Me, too.
OLIVE
(Teasing) You’re not Greg’s girlfriend, either?
VINCENT
(Laughing) Maybe I’d have more luck if I were batting for that team. Maybe not. But, hey, it sounds like you got the degree you wanted. The world will be both cancer-free and hangnail-free any day now -- assuming you specialized in both oncology and dermatology.
OLIVE
You’re pretty erudite for a grocery checker.
VINCENT
Um,
thanks?
OLIVE
Crap. That came out wrong. I – I always say the wrong thing.
(Action freezes at checkout 1, and resumes at checkout 2).
CUSTOMER
No, I did NOT find what I needed. Do you carry the Baby Einstein DVD collection?
CHILD
(In a piercing whine, grabbing for items on invisible shelves) Want candy!
CUSTOMER
I’m particularly interested in Baby Beethoven and Baby Van Gogh.
CHILD
(Even louder) Want this! Want this!
(Another CUSTOMER enters and joins the line behind the CUSTOMER and CHILD, but leaving a significant space and recoiling from the screaming.)
CUSTOMER
And Suzuki books. I need Sukuzi books, too.
CHILD
(Screaming) Caaaaaaaandy!
CHECKER 2
Try Prestige and Feelings of Confidence. Aisle eleven. Look for the NFL infant onesies and the Class of 2035 toddler sweatshirts. On the bottom shelf you’ll find all the products intended to address sublimated hopes for status redirected onto the next generation.
(CUSTOMER exits, dragging CHILD, who is still having a tantrum. The next CUSTOMER steps forward.)
CHECKER 2
(Sounding extremely tired) Did you find everything you needed?
(Action freezes at checkout 2, and resumes at checkout 1).
VINCENT
It’s okay. You’re right. I AM pretty damned erudite for a cashier. And you’re pretty damned erudite for someone out buying pressed tofu in the middle of the afternoon on a Tuesday.
OLIVE
Technically, I’m not actually buying any pressed tofu, because it’s hidden in some part of Maslow’s hierarchy that I haven’t found yet.
VINCENT
Ah, but I can let you in on that secret. All the Arboreal Melodies products are in the Prestige and Feelings of Confidence category.
OLIVE
Maslow’s fourth level?
VINCENT
Yup. They’re with the hair dye, the SAT prep guides, the Let’s Go Travel books, and the ribbed flavored condoms.
OLIVE
But not the regular standard-issue rubbers?
VINCENT
Nah. We’ve got a few in the third level – Love and Connection – but mostly they’re in Health and Safety, with the Tylenol and Tums.
OLIVE
Health and Safety, all the way down on the second level - that’s me, I guess. I work the swing shift at the emergency room.
VINCENT
I was an English major. I’ve got seven unpublished novels on my laptop. One of them is getting some nibbles from agents, but I’m nowhere close to quitting my day job.
OLIVE
In the winter, I don’t see daylight at all. All year, I see people who can’t afford health insurance, and people who made bad choices, and people who had horrible luck. I guess I deal with nothing but low-on-the-hierarchy basics.
VINCENT
I’ve been here so long that I’ve got every produce code memorized. Clementines: 3384. Star fruit: 4256. Chestnuts: 4927.
OLIVE
And I’m not a doctor. I’m an RN.
VINCENT
Tamarinds: 4448. Jesus, I even know tamarinds…
OLIVE
I haven’t discovered the cure for anything.
VINCENT
I haven’t discovered...
(Vincent stops in mid-sentence and meets Olive’s gaze. She gazes back at him. Action freezes at checkout 1, and resumes at checkout 2).
CUSTOMER
I need Lunchables.
CHECKER 2
No you don’t. No one needs Lunchables.
(CUSTOMER looks momentarily confused, then nods and mimes handing over cash and receiving change as a new CUSTOMER enters, this time pushing an extremely heavy cart. The first customer exits. As the second CUSTOMER reaches the register, action freezes at checkout 2, and resumes at checkout 1).
OLIVE
(Gaze still locked with VINCENT’s) I don’t have to be at work until midnight tonight. (Pause) I make a damn fine tofu and sprout sandwich.
VINCENT
My shift ends in twenty minutes. I own a juicer. And I know how to use it.
(Action resumes at checkout 2, but does not freeze at checkout 1).
CHECKER 2
Did you find everything you needed?
OLIVE, VINCENT, and CUSTOMER (in sync)
Yes. Yes, I think I did.
(END OF PLAY.)
My suggestions, not that you need them or asked:
ReplyDelete(1) Rewrite FM-specific and Fbx-specific content.
(2) Submit to newplayexchange.org, which costs only $10 a year to subscribe to. There you will also find the plays of our common playwright friend, "Bomb Duran."
(3) Be discovered, and have people make rights inquiries.
(4) Profit!
And similar advice (nos. 2-4) for "Great Chemistry," natch.
DeleteThank you -- and done.
DeleteThat is, I subscribed.
#3 and #4 may take longer.
I'll check with the "Bomb" guy.