Intra-familial and extra-familial undertakings since the previous hibernal solstice: a retrospective investigation

Abstract

A multi-factor analysis was undertaken of the behavior and interactions of seven heterotrophic vertebrates [genus Homo: Jay (J), Nancy (N), Elizabeth (E), Molly (M); genus Canis: Shiloh (S), Eddy (E₂) and genus Felis: Sinbad (S₂)] during the period between December 22, 2020, and December 21, 2021.  Results indicate that if you’re one of those people who only reads the abstract, that’s entirely normal, and you should enjoy the holiday season just as much as the people who continue all the way to the conclusion and footnotes¹. 

Background

This study built upon previous annual research at the same site (Fresco 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, 2020).  Longitudinal studies of this type can provide valuable insights², and can also justify continuing to maintain a mostly moribund blog site. Experimental hypotheses were designed to test long-standing theories regarding the non-standard life choices of the subjects.

Methods

Experimental subjects were observed both while contained within a ~100 square meter chamber (lat/long 64.866011, -147.920129) kept at ~16°C for the duration of the experiment³, and also in a broader sub-Arctic environment⁴.  External ambient temperatures during the study period ranged from -39°C (Feb 22) to 31°C (July 1). One subject (N) escaped the experimental zone (7/1/21 – 7/10/21) and interacted with maternal, sororal, and unrelated mutualistic conspecifics.

Growth medium was primarily obtained from Fred Meyer and Costco.  Consumption greatly exceeded expected demands, particularly with regard to fructivory (Malus pumila et al.).  This may partially explain unprecedented chondrogenesis at the epiphyseal plates in two of the subjects (E, M). Additional growth medium was obtained via localized seasonal collection of Vaccinium (sp), Fragaria (sp) and Microtus (sp) ⁵.

Results

Behaviors of all test subjects were semi-autocorrelated based on proximity, genetics⁶, and scheduling parameters determined by the Fairbanks North Star Borough School Board⁷. Heteroscedasticity⁸ was not assessed. Regression analysis showed a moderate degree of regression, particularly with regard to use of social media, attending Zoom school while wearing Star Trek pajamas, repeated reversion to mix tapes from the early 90’s, and excessive rereading of Harry Potter. 

Despite the paucity of sociocultural growth opportunities as compared to pre-2020 levels, both E and M evidenced remarkable increases in perspicacity.  Examples include ability to prevail in intra-familial debate via searing logic and correct identification of hypocrisy; understanding of the deeply flawed nature of human governance and belief systems; rapidity in understanding new apps; and ability to beat the author at Set. 

Selected behaviors of test subjects are shown in Figure 1.  Although some behaviors appeared to be idiosyncratic, others were universal, e.g. snoring.  Notably, none of the test subjects admitted to snoring.

Figure 1: Selected observed behaviors of test subjects.

Univariate and multi-variate increases over time were found with regard to several additional variables, including college-level Russian (E), horseback riding (M), trail marathons (N, E, M); swallow-catching and hatchling-banding (E, M); haircutting skills (M), viola-playing (M), art and photography (M), rock climbing (E), extensive reading about goats (M) and extensive reading about astrophysics (E).  Six out of seven subjects⁹ were closely correlated in their appreciation of long walks, bike rides, and ski jaunts on backwoods trails (Fresco, Cable, Cable, and Cable 2021). 

During data analysis, it was mathematically determined that if a person is digging an outhouse pit and is currently 17 feet below the surface, assuming she can fling dirt upward at a velocity of 32 feet per second, she will not successfully hurl the next shovelful of dirt out of the pit¹⁰. 

Discussion

Based on these results, several experimental hypotheses can be supported, including Hypothesis 1: “Math is fun”; Hypothesis 2: “We miss traveling and especially miss seeing all of you plus also museums and cool restaurants and stuff”; and Hypothesis 3: “Yay, snow!” 

Additionally, although the author cannot correctly recall all the steps in the Krebs Cycle, despite having a PhD in biology, she can support the hypothesis that the Krebs Cycle exists, and will definitely be on the AP Biology Exam.

Future research will focus on upon linking climate change data to a series of derivatives, integrals, summations, and natural logarithms that the author recently found in papers on spruce bark beetles.  In light of this, it’s probably a good thing that she was able to solve the outhouse calculus, albeit not as quickly as anyone else in the room.

Conclusion

May your celebrations of the season be filled with joy, laughter, light, warmth, love, and deliciousness¹¹.  Happy Solstice to all! 

Works Cited

Fresco, Nancy, 2012. Choose-Your-Own Holiday Letter. http://latitude.nancyfresco.com/2012/12/choose-your-own-holiday-letter.html

Fresco, Nancy, 2013. Oddness-y. http://latitude.nancyfresco.com/2013/12/oddness-y.html

Fresco, Nancy, 2014. Needs Improvement http://latitude.nancyfresco.com/2014/12/needs-improvement.html

Fresco, Nancy, 2015. Sing a Song of Sixpence, I Didn’t Send You a Card http://latitude.nancyfresco.com/2015/12/normal-0-false-false-false-en-us-x-none.html

Fresco, Nancy, 2016. I Verb You a Happy Noun http://latitude.nancyfresco.com/2016/12/i-verb-you-happy-noun.html

Fresco, Nancy, 2017. Emery Isthmus http://latitude.nancyfresco.com/2017/12/emery-isthmus.html

Fresco, Nancy, 2018. Hallelujah http://latitude.nancyfresco.com/2018/12/hallelujah_24.html

Fresco, Nancy, 2019. 2019 (Basic Recipe) http://latitude.nancyfresco.com/2019/12/2019-basic-recipe.html

Fresco, Nancy, 2020. A Short Letter, and Several Letters Short. http://latitude.nancyfresco.com/2020/12/a-short-letter-and-several-letters-short.html

Fresco, Nancy, Elizabeth Cable, Molly, Cable, and Jay Cable, 2021. Go Play Outside! Tips, Tricks, and Tales from the Trails.  University of Alaska Press.  https://www.alaska.edu/uapress/browse/author-detail/fresco-nancy.php

 

 

¹ I mean, seriously, who on earth would read footnotes in a holiday letter?

² Or grants.  Preferably grants.

³ Some exceedances occurred during summer months; project materials did not include air conditioning.

⁴ Subject S₂ expressed a clear non-verbal preference for non-sub-Arctic environments.

⁵ Only subject S₂, with occasional after-the fact participation by Subject S and Subject E₂

⁶  Subject J was noted to sing a novel song to remind his offspring that they cannot escape his genes.  This behavior was received with characteristic eye-rolling responses.

⁷ Which, with the exception of a couple of delightful members, should never be allowed to determine anything, ever. 

⁸ But the author wants you to know that she knows the word heteroscedasticity.

⁹ Meow.

¹⁰ Hannibal Grubis, 2021.  Math is fun.  See also Beth Zirbes, 2021. 

¹¹ And math -- but only if you personally support Hypothesis 1.

A short letter, and several letters short

For many years, I’ve shared whimsically annoying holiday letters, each in a different genre, from “Epic Poem” to “Third Grade Homework Packet” to “Choose Your Own Adventure”.  In 2006, it was a haiku:

Twins and doctorate 

Have not allowed much free time

For email or sleep

 

But now it’s 2020. 

As we descended into the darkness of this Winter Solstice, my Whimsy Muse wasn’t just quiet, she was mute.  I thought about the past twelve months’ headlines. I thought about my dad.  What genre could possibly be or fitting – or even tolerable – for summing up this year?

Then I thought of Dad a bit more, and it seemed obvious. 

I was momentarily flummoxed when I realized that -- in this era of online games and online everything -- I don’t even own an entire and unsullied Scrabble set.  The old wooden letter tiles of my childhood are mismatched and incomplete.  But upon reflection, that seemed perfectly imperfect.

I know a lot of you have had a tough year – tougher than mine.  Please, tell me if you need serious help.  Also, please tell me if you need frivolous help: a phone call, or a pie, one of the blank tiles to reach the triple word score.  And in the meantime, even if you’re a few letters short and have lost your dictionary, play anyway.  Keep playing.

Happy solstice, my friends.

 

 

 

 

 

2019 (Basic Recipe)

Pre-heat winter solstice to thirty-four below zero.  Using vegetable shorting or softened butter, grease the dry skin that is cracking open on your heels. Dust all surfaces with several feet of snow.

Ingredients:

2 children (plus additional children as needed)

1 supportive spouse

1 supportive sister

Mother, father, and other relations, assorted

Long-lost friends, to taste

Not-lost friends, to taste (all friends should be hand-picked and of the highest quality)

140 acres of cacti

1 tent

2 dogs (plus 3 extra dogs)

1 cat (plus 4 extra cats)

2 baby squirrels (extra baby squirrels not recommended)

17,489,393,939,393 mosquitoes

2,681,140.8 acres of baked Alaska

15.2 terabytes of data

76 sub-folders

1888 unanswered emails

Combine children and spouse in medium-sized winter holiday break.  Whisk briskly through TSA in Fairbanks, New York, and, Boston, and Phoenix, using two crutches, an immobilization boot, and a metal pirate leg, [Note: whisking may not be quite as brisk as desired.] 

Add cacti and tent.

Gently mix memories with mother, father, sister, and other family members.  [Note: memories may be more mixed than expected, and may fail to rise]  Fold in compassion and empathy, and season with complicated logistics. 

Stir.  Continue to stir as much as possible, to avoid congealing and/or crankiness.  Stir using the crutches, the pirate leg, and a highly questioned combination of the immobilization boot and a snow bike.  Stirring for the entire length of the White Mountains 100 is not too much stirring, so long as your doctor doesn’t catch you.  [Note: She’s right behind you, on her bike.] 

Sift terabytes of data.  Sprinkle liberally through reports, papers, and gray literature.  Set aside in sub-folders, possibly forever. Spice up the mix with a dash of online publication and a spritz of All Things Considered on the baked Alaska.

Age children gently but continuously until they become teenagers.  Allow mixture to rise and develop freely in order to encourage bold flavors.  Season with rock climbing, horseback riding, MathCounts, snow forts, log forts, additional children (assorted), and dirt.

Place long-lost friends in large hallowed red-brick institution.  Shake vigorously with music from the early ‘90s.  Mixture will become light, bubbly, and warm, with the aroma of nostalgia and a sweet yet complex flavor.

Set spouse and children on two tandem bicycles.  Bake at moderate heat for approximately 230 miles from Delta to Paxson and across the Denali highway.  Be careful not to burn.  There’s way too much burning going on already.

Mix together children, dogs (including one fresh-picked pup with minimal damage), cats, mosquitoes, and baby squirrels.  Use extreme caution.  High-speed mixing is not recommended.  Retain squirrels until they are large and fluffy, then skim off into surrounding woods.  [Note: cats and dogs are already large and fluffy, and do not require skimming.]

Resulting mixture of two children plus one extra child will be very strong.  Allow mixture to mellow over 26.2 miles of the Equinox marathon.  Stir yourself enough to stay ahead of them. 

Gently fold in lectures on statistics, a climate adaptation plan for Igiugig, and an analysis of agricultural climate change impacts for the USDA.  Do not over-mix; results should be complex, but not utterly confusing.

Separate church and state.  Set aside governor and president.  Chill, but don’t chill too much.  Too much chilling suggests that you are not paying attention.

Coat with two pairs of longjohns, two pairs of socks, insulated pants, shirt, sweater, neck warmer, hat, mittens, and jacket.

Leave the emails for next year.

Add more friends and family, and warm.

Serves: the purpose