Every
December, I attempt to summarize the glories of another year in the
Fresco/Cable household by way of gross exaggeration, blatant omission, and
reliance on a literary genre entirely unsuited to the subject matter at
hand. Having previously exhausted the painful
possibilities associated with “Choose Your Own Adventure”, “Epic Poem” and
“Third Grade Homework Packet”, I have moved on to “Nursery Rhymes”.
No tuffets,
treacle, or runcible spoons were harmed in the creation of this blog post. All characters appearing in this work are
fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental
or an obtuse allegorical reference to events that everyone forgot about three
hundred years ago. Results may
vary. Contents may have settled during
shipping.
*********************************************
There was an old woman who
lived in a shoe.
She…
Uh… Why are there all these
eye-bolts on the beams?
Half a pound of tuppenny rice,
Half a pound of treacle.
That’s the way the money goes,
This only makes sense if you
know that Jay calls his kids, “the weasels”.
But he’s no match for their
teasing prowess.
Three blind mice,
See how they run.
Okay, so the mice weren’t
blind,
And no carving knives were
brought into play,
But there were some
personified sins in glow-in-the-dark animalistic bodysuits.
Also, Molly is the cutest
mouse because I’m biased.
This little piggy went to
market,
This little piggy stayed at
home,
This little piggy had roast
beef,
But her twin piggy is a
vegetarian.
As I have been for 25 years,
as of 2015.
Wow, I’m old.
But at least the kids can
cook.
Mary Mary quite contrary,
How does your garden grow?
Not spectacularly,
really.
Trusten would have managed
more silver bells and cockle shells,
Without that broken leg.
But we did learn to use the
rototiller.
Wee Willie Winkie.
That’s it.
I just wanted an excuse to say
“Wee Willie Winkie”.
No, I do not have a photo to
accompany this thought.
The Owl and the Pussycat went
to sea
In a beautiful pea-green boat…
… or a packraft. Whatever…
They sailed away, for a year
and a day,
To the land where the Bong-tree
grows….
Suuuure it does. We all know about those crazy Alaskan ballot
initiatives…
They dined on mince, and
slices of quince,
Which they ate with a runcible
spoon.
Come on people. Runcible is not even a legit Scrabble
word.
And I knew should have steered
clear of the spelling bee
Little Bo peep has lost her
sheep
And doesn't know where to find
them.
Leave them alone and they'll
come home,
Because they’re nine now, and
free-rangers.
Good job, little sheep.
"Pussycat pussycat, where
have you been?"
"I've been up to London
to visit the Queen."
“Pussycat pussycat, what did
you there?”
Mostly biking.
Actually, we skipped the queen
altogether,
In favor of these much more
delightful people.
Pease pudding hot, Pease
pudding cold,
Pease pudding in the pot -
nine days old.
Some like it hot, some like it
cold,
Some don’t get a choice. Mmm, pease!
The Grand old Duke of York he
had ten thousand men
He marched them up to the top
of the hill
And he marched them down
again.
Pretty much, yeah.
Except that instead of ten
thousand men it was a variable number of little girls.
What are little boys made of?
Snips and snails, and puppy
dogs’ tails
That's what little boys are made
of."
What are little girls made of?
Pretty much the same as above.
Obviously.
Baa baa black sheep,
Have you any wool?
Yes, sir, yes sir, Lizzy used
to make me play this on repeat when she was two.
Maybe that’s what broke the CD
player.
Sheep.
Ring around a rosie…
Wait. That one’s about the bubonic plague.
We did not have the bubonic
plague this year.
Um…
An apple a day keeps the
doctor away.
Well, okay, not really. But we’re grateful for a healthy year.
And we really like apples.
And we probably weren’t
supposed to feed all our cores to random horses
But who could resist?
Also, we really like our
doctor -- but mostly to bike with.
As I was going to St. Ives I
met a man with seven wives.
Wait. What?
Let’s skip this one.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
how I wonder what you are?
One new violinist in the house
And one new violist
Yes, that sounds lovely, my
darlings.
Twinkle, twinkle…
Is there any wine?
The North wind doth blow and
we shall have snow,
And what will poor robin do
then, poor thing?
Migrate.
Three little kittens they lost
their mittens, and they began to cry,
"Oh mother dear, we sadly
fear our mittens we have lost!"
Do I even need to explain
this?
No, I thought not.
I won’t explain the ice
octopus, either.
Diddle, diddle, dumpling, my
son John,
Went to bed with his trousers
on;
One shoe off, and one shoe on,
Diddle, diddle, dumpling, my…
Daughters.
And possibly myself, on
particularly addled days.
Little Jack Horner sat in the
corner
Eating his Christmas pie,
He put in his thumb and pulled
out
A non-allegorical commentary
on our table manners.
I’ll let you decide which
politician this is really about.
Red sky at night,
Sailor's delight;
Red sky at morning,
Sailor's warning.
Red sky pretty much all the
time,
It’s Solstice in Fairbanks.
Christmas is coming, the geese
are getting fat
Please to put a penny in the
old man's hat;
If you haven't got a penny, a
ha'penny will do,
If you haven't got a ha'penny
then God bless you.
But if you don’t know what a
ha’penny is,
Or you haven’t got a God,
That’s fine;
I’m sure you’ve found a way to
share.
And to love.
Because you’re awesome.
However and whatever you
choose to celebrate,
Joy and peace to all.
