The survey, Part I: https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/RL3HWW9
The survey, Part II: https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/RJ9GQL8
Thanks for playing, friends. Results are in -- and I must say, we’re an
intriguing bunch. Do I need to add a
disclaimer about how incredibly unscientific this is? No?
Good -- because I know you can’t wait to find out this ONE AMAZING FACT,
the secret that EVEN DOCTORS DON’T KNOW:
Pretty much everyone is picking their
nose.
Yeah.
Like, about 90%. Also clocking in
at about that level were picking off bits of dead skin and peeing in the
shower. Next, at about 80%, came fingernail biting, eating food bitten by
family or non-family, and the “ten second rule”. I could provide exact percentages for
everything, but it hardly matters; there was absolutely nothing on the list of
ten icky habits that didn’t achieve compliance from well over 50% of
respondents. You are surrounded by
pimple-squeezing, scab-picking, non-hand-washing not-as-evolved-as-we-think-we-are
great apes – but that’s okay, because you totally fit in.
Let’s see… proceeding through Survey I in
no particular order…
Crying frequency was reported as (approximately)
18% rarely or never; 35% a few times a year; 18% monthly; and 30% weekly. That last one surprised me – but, see, now I’m
showing experimental bias. I will shut
up and move on.
The habits that people would like to give
up include tobacco (a small number of people), pot (one person), procrastination
(several), gluttony (lots), and completing surveys (two charming smart-asses).
You people don’t live in Lake Woebegone, do
you? Really, you’re quite modest about
your above-averageness. Granted, over 80%
of you think you’re more intelligent than average, two-thirds of you think you
are more fit, and a similar fraction say they are better read, but kindness
came in at only 50%, “hard-working” at just over 40%, and efficiency at barely
more than 30%. Only a quarter of you
estimate you are better-looking than average.
We’re either a homely bunch, or a modest bunch -- or we’re assuming that
“above average” means something like, “at least one standard deviation above
average”. Knowing my friends… yeah,
probably that last option.
Interestingly, we don’t particularly want
to improve the traits in which we find ourselves most deficient. Three quarters of responders want to be more
physically fit, and two thirds want to be better-read. Clearly, in these categories, above average
is still Not Good Enough. On the flip
side, only 30% of survey-takers want to be better-looking, despite us all being
so ugly and whatnot.
Moving on to the hypothetical impediments…
Other than the self-knowledge gleaned from those who let me know that I’m weird
for even asking in the first place, this question didn’t tell me much. Being unable to bend one knee, people agree,
would really suck. But rankings for all
those creepy choices of missing fingers, toes, ears, and eyes were all over the
map, and thus kind of a wash. Of course,
as someone who is blind in one eye, this was personally interesting, but it was
probably just vaguely disturbing for the rest of you. Sorry, guys.
Keep your toes.
How many people do you hug or otherwise
touch with friendship of affection at least once a week? The answer is 2-4 for more than half of
us. The other answers were almost evenly
distributed between none, one, 5-10, and more than 10. Having spent my entire life in (at varying
times) the zero, one, or 2-4 categories, I feel like I’ve missed a lot of
hugs. But, then again, actually getting all
those hugs might seriously freak me out.
So many books! Yeah, I was just being selfish, in asking
this question, because I always want recommendations. I’m not going to list them all. But I will say that the thing that struck me
about the books was that they were all different. All of them.
Many of my own favorites showed up, and some great authors were on the
list – Kurt Vonnegut, Barbara Kingsolver, Mark Twain, Terry Pratchett, John Irving,
and so many more. But there were some
obscure works I’d never even heard of, and others (Vikram Seth, Chaim Potok) that
it’s nice to know someone else loves, too.
So delightful.
So much music! Again, good work with the variety,
folks. There were show tunes, classical,
oldies, folk, even a bit of country. As
a group, we’re a bit heavy on the female singer/song-writers with a liberal social
agenda, but that’s cool; I love Dar Williams, too.
Finally (at least for Part 1): who wants
chimp-steak for dinner? Nobody. But one person is okay with dolphin. From there down, the percentage who think it
is immoral to farm-raise each species for a tasty stir-fry were as follows: dog
(69%), cat (56%), horse (44%), pig (31%), goat (25%) and cow (18%). Why?
Well, the comments cited cultural tradition, intelligence, and
similarity to humans. Some people who
eat pigs admitted that with regard to the intelligence argument they were probably
on thin ice. The best comment, though,
was, “Are you using the Socratic method to make me into a vegetarian by forcing
me to recognize the arbitrary nature of the social in- and out-groups that
define carnivorism versus cannibalism?”
The wonderful thing about this comment, of course, was my realization
that I had no idea who had written it, because I have so many friends who might
easily say something as dorky as that.
Most likely, though, it was written by a dolphin.
And… the moment you have all been waiting
for… the survey with questions about sex!
But I’m not jumping straight there; that
would be gauche. First I’m going to report
that – whatever I might say about our other moral choices – none of us has EVER
illegally parked in a handicapped spot.
In truth, the ranking of the “moral” questions
fascinated me. I quickly realized,
especially given the fact that a couple of people may have done the whole thing
backward, that it made more sense to look at the most commonly selected
rankings (modal values) than at mean values.
For most of the “sins”, the preferred rank was surprisingly clear. “Repeatedly telling a child that he or she is
worthless or a bad person” was the clear bottom of the barrel, followed by abusing
a pet and spilling a friend’s important personal secret. Pilfering office paperclips was least-bad,
followed by parking in a handicapped spot (which, I repeat NO ONE has done),
not tipping a good waiter, and stealing public property. Littering and intentionally keeping something
belonging to a friend came next – decidedly mid-range. The only choice that was weirdly bi-modal,
with some respondents ranking it a mellow 3 and others damning it with an
8 or 9 was “cheating on a spouse or
partner”.
This might – I’m only guessing here – have something
to do with the 25/75 split between those who have cheated and those who have
not.
In other news, there is one person amongst
us who has NOT used offices supplies for personal reasons – and there is one
person who had littered. Littered! I’m worried about the fiber of our society.
Right.
Now the sexy stuff. Respondents
to this survey were 76% straight, 18% gay, and 6% bisexual, and everyone is
(definitely or probably) identified as such to everyone they know. Also, they are all singing kumbaya -- or
maybe something by the Indigo Girls. One
quarter of survey-takers have never had a sexual experience that does not match
with their stated identity. The rest –
well, you do the math (although fully 25% are not really sure what counts, and
are maybe trying to figure out some kind of baseball analogy).
How much is everyone having (and wanting)
sex? Well, two respondents do not wish
to have sex at all, and an equal number report never getting any. I’d LIKE to think that these are the same happy
people, but… maybe not. Ditto for the two responses at the other end
of the spectrum, “daily or more” – and bonus points for the comment, “As often
as my body would let me”.
As for everyone else, well, it seems that
about 70% of people want sex somewhere between one and six times per week, with
a fairly even breakdown between 1-2, 3-4, or 5-6 times. About ten percent each chose “monthly” or “2-3
times per month”. Absolutely nobody
selected, “A few times a year”.
But… alas (and, truly, this bums me out), “A
few times a year” was the single most common category (~30%) for how often
people are actually having sex. The
percentages for monthly, a few times a month, 1-2 times per week, and 3-4 times
per week were not far off from the desired percentages for those categories –
but, alas, I doubt that the individuals match up so neatly. Meanwhile, although about a quarter of those
surveyed said they’d like to have sex 5-6 times per week, absolutely nobody
selected that category as representing their reality. Sigh.
Life goals! Things you can attain! Yes! Everyone
wants to write a book! Okay, not
everyone, but a few of you. You also
want more fulfilling and meaningful jobs.
Why did I even ask about things you WON’T
attain? Sheesh, that’s just depressing
-- except for the person who said, “I'll probably never manage to develop a species
of dwarf wooly mammoths for the household pets market.” As for the individual who questioned my
grammar: “likely” can obviously be used as an adverb, as in, “I’ll most likely
kill you in the morning”.
Okay, so way too many of you think you won’t
ever attain a happy partnership, marriage, true love... I… well, crap, I think you’re wrong, but I
don’t know who you are, so how can I argue my point? I’ll just have to revert to quoting the
Princess Bride.
But, to close on a bright note: treasured
things you already have. Love, laughter,
kids, family, partners, good friends. Yeah,
it’s the relationships, isn’t it?
You’re all good sports, my friends. Really, you are. Thank you.
