Great Chemistry

In 2019, this ten-minute play was selected for the Annual 8 X 10 Festival of Short Plays hosted by the Fairbanks Drama Association and The Looking Glass Group Theatre.  It was performed at the Hap Ryder Riverfront Theater in Fairbanks, Alaska on April 26th and 27th of that year. I'm sharing it now in memory of Peggy Ferguson, Executive Director of the Fairbanks Drama Association and Children's Theater, who was an inspiration to all of us -- and didn't mind my nerdy sense of humor.

If any equally nerdy high school science teacher or college chemistry professor with theatrical ambitions ever wants to stage a performance of this play, it's all yours.  Go for it.  But I'd love to know if you do.

Setting:

A room at a speed-dating service. Contemporary.

Characters:

HELIUM (female) — light-hearted, engaging, kind

NEON (male) — cheerful, bright, polite

OXYGEN (female) – vampish, pushy

NITROGEN (female) — unimaginative, tedious

CHLORINE (female) — sarcastic, defensive 

CARBON (male) — overbearing, predatory 

NITROGEN (male) — dull, droning

SODIUM (male) — eager, excitable

Notes:

The set can be very simple. It might consist of nothing more than eight folding chairs arranged in four groups of two and a prominent sign saying, “Great Chemistry Speed Dating”.

Characters should wear solid-colored t-shirts of different shades, with the exception of the two nitrogens, who should have identical shirts. Neon should have a bright/neon shirt. (Other logical choices might be black for carbon, yellow for sodium, blue for oxygen, white for helium, green for chlorine, and brown for the nitrogens, but this is optional.)

All characters should be wearing nametags, e.g. “Hi, my name is Oxygen”. It is not necessary that these be legible from the audience.

Throughout the action, mimed conversations take place in all character pairs, but only one conversation is audible at a time - always involving one or both of the main characters, NEON and HELIUM.

 

Scene I

[LIGHTS UP on eight people sitting in pairs of chairs. In this initial grouping, NEON is conversing audibly with NITROGEN(f). HELIUM is with CARBON; they are initially muted, with CARBON aggressively sleazy and HELIUM politely avoidant. The other two pairs are muted throughout. OXYGEN is flirting heavily with SODIUM, who is laughing nervously and twitching with excess energy. NITROGEN(m) is talking endlessly but without much animation to CHLORINE, who is making sarcastic comments.

Buzzer sounds. NEON and NITROGEN(f) become audible.]

NEON

[Smiling, friendly] Hey there… [glances at her nametag] Nitrogen. Wow, four minutes seems really short, but this could be fun. So, tell me about something you really like.

NITROGEN(f)

[Incredibly bland] Oh, I’m just a regular kind of gal, I guess. What do I like? Well, I really like cornfields. And wheat fields. And soybean fields. And alfalfa fields. And barley fields.

NEON

Oh, so you’re an agriculturalist?

NITROGEN(f)

Fertilizer. My whole family is into fertilizer. I also like oat fields. And sorghum fields.

NEON

Well… that’s a line of work that isn’t going to go out of style. So, do you produce organic fertilizers? Natural compost?

NITROGEN(f)

[Blankly] No.

NEON

Oh. Well, um, what are your other interests?

NITROGEN(f)

[Pause] Well, there’s my one uncle who produces nylon. I like nylon. Nylon tights. And nylon stretch pants. And nylon windbreakers. And nylon shirts. And nylon hats.

NEON

[Still polite, but glancing covertly at his watch] Um… right. Nylon.

[Their conversation continues, but now as a muted pantomime, with NEON becoming increasingly bored and NITROGEN(f) increasingly long-winded and dull. CARBON and HELIUM now become audible, in mid-conversation.]

CARBON

[Leaning in slightly too close] Oh, sure, sweetie, but what made a little cutie like you decide to try speed dating? I mean, me, I’ve formed a lot of bonds over the years, LOTS of bonds, heh heh, but…

HELIUM

[Leaning slightly away from him, but trying to be polite] To be honest, my little sister talked me into it. [Gives a fond laugh, and a small shake of her head.]

CARBON

[Paying more attention to her looks than her words] I guess I just haven’t found the right chemistry, if you know what I mean. I’ve met a lot of singles who wanted to connect with me, but I’ve really been looking for… a double bond, y’know? [Pause] Did you say your little sister?

HELIUM

Yeah.

CARBON

Oh, and what’s HER name?

HELIUM

Hydrogen.

CARBON

[Leering] Oh, Hydrogen! She’s your sister? I’ve often… I mean, I hear she’s really… well… yeah, everyone knows Hydrogen… [Snickers]

HELIUM

[Shrugs calmly, unoffended] Sure. She’s attractive. Lots of positive energy. She bonds easily. So?

CARBON

Well, from what I’ve heard, she gives her electron up pretty darned quick, if you know what I mean. Girl sure knows how to get ionic. Or so they say.

HELIUM

[Still calm] Uh huh. And what do they say about you, Carbon?

CARBON

Hey, she’s not MY sister.

[HELIUM folds her arms, leans casually away from him, and stares off into space, yawning. Buzzer sounds. Everyone gets up and changes seats. In this second configuration, NEON is with CHLORINE in audible conversation. HELIUM and SODIUM are initially muted; she is responding kindly to his slightly hyperactive banter. CARBON is hitting on NITROGEN (f), who is droning on obliviously. OXYGEN is flirting and pouting at NITROGEN (m), who is blathering away cluelessly.

CHLORINE

[On the offensive] Okay, we have four minutes. Fine. Go for it. Tell me about yourself. Whatever you’ve got to say can’t be much worse than the monologue about agricultural fertilizer I got from that last guy.

NEON

[Smiling] Fertilizer’s not my thing, although maybe that guy should meet… [he glances over toward Nitrogen (f)] …her. Well, anyhow, I mostly work in tech: high-voltage indicators and switching gear, lightning arresters, lasers, and diving equipment.

CHLORINE

[Sarcastic] Diving equipment? Yeah, right. You’re probably like, oh, Chlorine [gestures to her own nametag], I bet she’s into pools. Nope. Try again.

NEON

[Still unruffled] Oh, no – I only deal in applications for deep sea diving. For decompression purposes. It’s a safety issue. Kind of interesting, scientifically.

CHLORINE

[More interested] Oh, oceanic exploration? It’s ironic, I grew up totally land-locked, but I’ve always dreamed of going to sea.

NEON

Then you should go for it! I totally understand how you feel about people who jump to conclusions. Everyone assumes I must be in the lighting business – signs, advertising, all that.

CHLORINE

[Gestures to his bright shirt and his nametag] You think so, Neon? Gee, I wonder why?

NEON

[Looking down at his shirt] Oh, I can be a colorful guy. You have a point, there. I mean, I’m not reactive, I’m not explosive, but colorful? Yup.

CHLORINE

[Warming to him] Hey, it’s cool. I’ve got no problem with a little attention-grabbing. I suppose we could all be accused of that. Why else would we be here?

NEON

[Pausing] You know, I don’t entirely know why I came. I do like bouncing around. I like meeting people. This is kind of a charged atmosphere, which is great and all, but that kind of electricity doesn’t really… affect me.

CHLORINE

Oh, come on. Maybe you aren’t looking for, like, a long-term covalent bond, but admit it, you’d be up for a little dipole-dipole interaction.

NEON

[Reflectively] No, not really. [Sees that she looks hurt] I don’t mean it as an insult! I just… don’t bond.

CHLORINE

[Frustrated] What the hell!

[CHLORINE and NEON become muted, although still having an animated conversation, and HELIUM and SODIUM become audible.]

SODIUM

[Visibly twitchy with excitement and positive energy] So, I feel like I’d like to spend my life at sea, right? It would be so incredible! Like, I could go anywhere – the Marianas Trench or the beaches of Madagascar or anywhere – but not alone, right? So I’m trying to find someone. I just really feel like I need to be in a relationship, right?

HELIUM

[Kindly] The ocean really is lovely. That’s a beautiful dream you’ve got there. But… I think I’d be more into flying than diving. [Dreamily] Flying…

SODIUM

[Still smiling, although disappointed] I’m sorry if I seem too pushy. I just feel like I have this… positivity… that I so much want to share with someone.

HELIUM

Sodium, you’re a good guy. I hope you find the right person to share that dream with.

[Buzzer sounds. Everyone moves around again.

In this third grouping, NEON is with OXYGEN, conversing audibly. HELIUM is with NITROGEN(m), initially muted; she is trying to hide her boredom. CHLORINE is clearly making fun of CARBON’s come-ons. SODIUM is eagerly trying to get some sort of reaction from NITROGEN(f), although she is as monotonous as ever.]

OXYGEN

[Reaching out to stroke NEON’s shirt] Ooh, that color is hot.

NEON

[Inching back slightly] Nice to meet you, Oxygen. Hey, I think I’ve heard the name before; are you part of that family business over at the hospital?

OXYGEN

[Dismissively] Oh, them. Yeah, my cousins work neonatal, incubators, intensive care, life support and all that. Me, I’m more interested in playing with fire. Flame cleaning. Flame hardening. Welding.

NEON

[Genuinely interested] Oh, wow! I’ve always wondered how –

OXYGEN

[Cutting him off] But who wants to talk about work when we’re here to connect, huh? [She tries to take his hand; he evades her.]

[NEON and OXYGEN become muted, as she continues to flirt unsuccessfully. HELIUM and NITROGEN(m) become audible. HELIUM is propping up her head on her hands, as if trying to avoid falling asleep.]

NITROGEN(m)

[Droning] And as I’m sure you know, the Haber process, also called the Haber–Bosch process, is the primary means by which industrial fertilizers are produced…

HELIUM

[Produces an incoherent half-snoring noise that appears to wake her up] What? Um, right! Haber-Bosch.

[Buzzer sounds. Everyone changes places.

In this final grouping, NEON is with HELIUM; NITROGEN(f) is with NITROGEN(m); OXYGEN is with CARBON; and SODIUM is with CHLORINE.]

HELIUM

I should probably start out by apologizing. I’ve figured out that I shouldn’t be here.

NEON

[Laughs] Oh, excellent! I was just about to say the same thing about myself!

HELIUM

Really? Cool. [Visibly relaxes, grinning at him] It’s not that I’m not having fun. I’m kind of amused by the whole thing…

NEON

[Grinning back] Oh, yeah. I mean, look at those two. [Gestures to OXYGEN and CARBON who are all over each other.]

HELIUM

[Snorts with laughter] Oh, good lord. I should have guessed. Carbon and Oxygen. They’re perfect for each other - albeit a trace toxic to everyone around them.

[CARBON and OXYGEN get up from their seats in order to paw each other more effectively. They exit together, increasingly wrapped around one another.]

NEON

Oh my god: carbon monoxide. Yeah, I should have seen that coming. Triple bonded, no less. Yikes. Watch out, world.

HELIUM

[Glancing over at the two NITROGENS, who are earnestly talking together, nodding and smiling, seemingly hitting it off] Oh, and look at those two. Nitrogen meets Nitrogen.

NEON

Does he talk about nothing but…

HELIUM

Fertilizer. Yeah, pretty much.

NEON

But the two of them together…

HELIUM

N-two: gaseous nitrogen!

NEON

Common as… air. [Waves his hand around expansively]

[The two NITROGENS get up, put their arms around each other’s shoulders, and stroll off stage together, hip to hip, looking utterly content.]

HELIUM

Inert.

NEON

Totally ordinary.

HELIUM

And happy to be so.

NEON

[Shifting his attention to look at CHLORINE and SODIUM, who are bantering and laughing, thoroughly engrossed in one another] Oh, now THAT’s interesting.

HELIUM

Oh, good! I really liked Sodium. He’s got this positive energy, if you know what I mean.

NEON

And I liked Chlorine, even though she’s a little negative.

HELIUM

It looks like they balance each other perfectly.

[CHLORINE and SODIUM get up and join hands, smiling at one another and talking with great animation as if planning an elaborate future as they head off stage together.]

NEON

Sodium chloride! Of course. The salt of the earth.

HELIUM

Or sea salt. Yes. How perfect! They’re heading off to explore the ocean together.

[NEON and HELIUM are now the only two left on stage. They both get up and start drifting around as they continue talking.]

NEON

It’s not that I don’t like other people – or exploration, for that matter. I enjoy a certain amount of floating around.

HELIUM

Same! I’m not antisocial. The opposite, really. I had a job once working at kids’ parties – making balloons, you know? It was a ton of fun.

NEON

Oh, that sounds great! Even though I’m more into scientific equipment now, I don’t mind lighting things up once in a while.

HELIUM

I still throw a pretty good party. Adults like to get silly, too - [inhales and adopts a squeaky helium voice] just for the fun of it.

NEON

[Laughing] I’m there! You know, you’d fit right in at the game nights I have with my friends Argon and Krypton. Radon sometimes comes too, if I can get him to leave his basement apartment.

HELIUM

And you’d probably like heading out with me and my friend Xenon to paint the town red. Or should I say neon?

NEON

Y’know, I have great friends, and yet I’ve always felt weird about not wanting to pair off. I guess that’s why I came here. I’ve felt like I must be missing something, like I’m not living up to expectations, like I’m just too different.

HELIUM

Yeah. My sister meant well, pushing me to come here, but – it still didn’t work.

NEON

[Slowly, thinking] Or… maybe it did.

HELIUM

No… no, I really didn’t feel anything like that with anyone tonight. No sparks of electricity. No charged interactions. No polar opposites attracting. I didn’t even feel comfortable – except with you, of course, just hanging out. [Does a little mock-dance] Brownian motion!

NEON

[Laughs appreciatively] But that’s just it! I’ve had all these doubts about myself, about my differences, about my lack of bonding, but talking to you… well, in you, I can see that there’s nothing missing, and nothing extra. You’re so… balanced, so much yourself. You’re absolutely complete on your own.

HELIUM

[With dawning understanding] And… that’s what I see in you! You’re great to be around, but you don’t need to bond. You’re already you. Entirely whole. Entirely Neon.

NEON

Ah, Helium, I’m honored. [He jokingly bows to her]

HELIUM

How very - noble! [She jokingly curtsies back]

[They grin at each other in total understanding and friendship, then exchange a high-five. NEON turns and strides happily off stage, turning part way to give HELIUM a friendly wave.]

NEON

See you around! I’ve got your number!

HELIUM

[Waving back] And I’ve got yours! [After he exits, to herself] Neon: atomic number, ten. Ha! So THAT’S what a perfect ten looks like. [Laughs to herself, then stretches luxuriantly and moves slowly, lightly, across the stage, almost floating.] Damn, I feel good. Free. I might even say… lighter than air. [Dances off stage]

[LIGHTS DOWN]

(END OF PLAY.)