Ten Essential Tips for Remodeling your Privy

 

Do you ever rejoin your family after a rest stop in a National Park and feel compelled to note how the majesty of the vista was complemented by the stellar latrine?  Do you return from a barbecue at the neighbors’ place feeling a little jealous – not of the perfect angle of their woodshed roof or the impeccable notching of the logs at the four corners of their home, but of the subtle perfection of the smallest structure on their property?  When we find ourselves in a beautiful privy, it's easy to feel relaxed, content, and coddled. 

If you're looking for outhouse remodeling ideas, you might be feeling overwhelmed by all the choices. Every stunning design looks appealing, but which options are right for you?  We’ve compiled pointers that will help you craft a privy that perfectly meets your needs.  

1) Draft a budget

When the time comes to refurbish your outhouse, you’ll find the renovation costs can add up quickly.  Whether you’re choosing a brand-new cinderblock to act as a doorstep or purchasing this year’s Farmers’ Almanac to provide as reading material, the project can create unique demands.  These difficult budgetary choices can affect the long-term desirability and resale value of privy square footage.

2) Choose a contractor who understands your needs

Clear communication of expectations is key. Be sure that prior to signing on one of your teenage children for the job, she knows that the new hole needs to be at least eight feet deep, and that she must finish digging before the ground freezes. Rather than paying by the hour, consider offering your contractor the old gift cards to the local ice cream stand that you found when you were cleaning out the kitchen drawers. 

3) Decide whether you will include a bathtub

You will not include a bathtub.

4) Select a realistic and functional layout and design

While two-seaters may seem momentarily appealing, take time to think this through.  Really.  Take all the time you need, here.

5) Focus on materials

Just because you are building with CDX plywood doesn’t mean you can’t simulate the kind of higher-end look afforded by B or even A grades.  Go heavy on the paint.  Have you considered taupe?  It lends a more earthy look, and also blends well with actual earth.

6) Consider optimal lighting

A dark privy suggests “old-fashioned” and “giant spiders”.  Conversely, the direct light that results from entirely omitting the door may be jarring to some.  Instead, consider a crescent moon cutout. This will not only yield a classic-but-classy look, but will also allow for filtered, diffuse natural lighting -- perfect for reading the Almanac, and ideal for creating a flattering ambience for all ages, skin types, and weather.

7) Remember to provide necessary outlets

When it comes to wiring, it’s all about convenience!  Plan ahead for the darkness of January by buying a heavy-duty extension cord for trail lights in June, then forgetting where you put it.  (It’s in a Rubbermaid tote under the porch).

8) Don’t overlook storage space

Too many privies lack shelving area adequate for not just one Almanac, but back issues as well.  For extra style and comfort, consider adding an old coffee can to prevent your toilet paper from being stolen by squirrels.

9) Add a little luxury

Go for the best where it really matters, and embellish your wooden commode with a seat cut from the finest polystyrene board that money can buy. Yes, we’re talking about the extravagance of four-inch R10-rated foam.  True, a full sheet will set you back as much as $37.83, but trust us, by the time you’ve located that Rubbermaid tote, you won’t regret the indulgent insulation.

10) Incorporate adequate ventilation

We can’t stress this one strongly enough. 

Delicious Seasonal Family Dinner Ideas Using the Produce from Your COVID Victory Garden

May

Spring Garden Salad with Radishes:
Toss together spring lettuce, young mixed greens, and a generous complement of thinly sliced radishes.  Enjoy with the salad dressing of your choice.

More Radishes:
Take a photo of all the additional radishes.  Share it on Instagram.  Make a comment about the vibrant color and abundance of your prolific early-season crop.  Slice up all the additional radishes.  Serve as a garnish for pasta, potatoes, or lemon meringue pie.

June

Sweet Pea Excitement:
Carefully cut the first snap pea of the season into five equal parts.  Share it among family members.  Fail to notice the rabbit burrow that has just appeared beneath your garden fence.  That single pea sure was tasty, wasn’t it?

Totally Normal Beef Stew:
Cut 40-50 white radishes into quarters and add to hearty beef stew.  Simmer.  Tell everyone the chunks are potatoes.  Serve with wine.

July

Tomato Surprise:
The surprise is that the kids have eaten every sweet, ripe, perfect cherry tomato straight from the greenhouse before you had a chance to pick any.  Not even one.  You’ve been tending those seedlings since the lockdown began, which was on March 12^th, but who’s counting? 

Vegetable Stir-Fry:
Chop vegetables into bite-size pieces, sauté lightly in olive oil, season with soy sauce, garlic, and herbs to taste, and serve over rice.  By “vegetables” we mean “all eighteen zucchini that you’ve harvested since Tuesday”.

August

Carrot-Top Pesto:
Did you know that carrot tops are actually edible? Prepare using a standard pesto recipe, but replace basil leaves with carrot tops.  Serve over tortellini.  Spend dinnertime insisting to your family that carrot tops are actually edible.

Zucchini Subterfuge:
Finely grate four cups of zucchini and add to a cake mix that includes various forms of sugar as the second, fourth, and fifth ingredients.  Follow package directions.  When your children poke suspiciously at the green flecks, spray the entire cake with canned whipped cream.

September

Maybe It’s Borscht:
Slice carrots, beets, potatoes, and turnips.  Yes, we know that borscht doesn’t contain turnips, but we somehow ended up with a lot of turnips, okay?  The beets will make them look purple anyhow.  Just simmer it a for a long time, and add plenty of salt, pepper, and garlic.  And maybe a few more turnips.

The Last Salad:
Toss together crisp leaf lettuce, cucumber, bell peppers, and tender spinach leaves.  Garnish with sprigs of parsley and your own hot tears as you feel the autumnal equinox slip past, leaving you to descend into darkness.

October

Zucchini Boat:
Hollow out the terrifying, long-forgotten, late-season marrow found lurking beneath half-dead leaves in the darkest reaches of the garden.  Fill it to the gunwales with smaller zucchinis.  Push it downriver in the dead of night.

Roasted Turnips:
That’s it.  That’s what they are.  From the root cellar.  Roasted turnips.

November

Pumpkin Soup:
It was a smiling, happy jack-o-lantern, but now it’s dinner!  Stop crying, Tyler.

Turnips, Turnips, OMFG Turnips:
The root cellar may be haunted.

December

Snackin’ Seasonal Shapes:
Using a sharp cleaver, slice turnips no thicker than ¼ inch.  Hide the cleaver from the kids.  Hide the cleaver from yourself.  Give the kids cookie cutters and encourage them to form creative fun shapes from the slices.  Throw the extra turnip fragments into the cauldron that is now fermenting in the corner.  Throw the fun shapes in there, too.

Festive Holiday Extravaganza:
Drink the sour, fetid, pale-yellow alcohol you made from fermented turnips. Stumble down the stairs into the eerie, moaning darkness of the root cellar.  Lie for a few moments on the cool earthen floor.  Hallucinate quietly until you feel ready for the return journey. 

January-April

Unspeakable Horrors Through Endless Unmarked Days:
Mostly involving parsnips.

Advice for the Pandemic, or Advice for the Bear that Pooped on the Trail Near my House?

1) Berry-picking is a safe, enjoyable, and healthy outdoor activity that can be conducted in a low-risk manner, but excess berry consumption can lead to digestive surprises.

2) Being somewhat territorial is perfectly natural during these difficult times.  It is best to be clear about the boundaries that are important to you, while remaining civil and friendly to your neighbors from a safe distance.

3) Children are different from adults in several key ways.  While these differences may provide interesting avenues for study, they should not be used as a rationale to place young people at high risk or use them as guinea pigs.

4) Rapidly gaining a huge amount of weight in the coming weeks – enough to render you virtually unrecognizable under dense layers of rolling subcutaneous blubber -- is an excellent idea.  Your survival prospects will be maximized if you are semi-spherical before November.

5) Cultivating as much body hair as possible is also an excellent plan.  Try growing a dense, impenetrable pelt.  This will be highly desirable for mating purposes as well as very important for survival. 

6) Crowded indoor settings such as malls, movie theaters, restaurants, bars, and nightclubs are definitely to be avoided. 

7) If you are not wearing a mask when I encounter you, I will choose to believe that this is due to your own physiological limitations, rather than any ill-will toward human society.  However, if you then approach me, I reserve the right to become upset by your actions.

8) If you approach me too closely, I will calmly and slowly back away while talking in a reasonable but authoritative tone, never taking my eyes off you.

9) I will also raise both arms above my head, in an attempt to look as large and intimidating as possible.  I look very large with my arms above my head.

10) In some cases, especially when one or both individuals are breathing heavily, six feet of social distancing is nowhere near adequate.  Ten feet would be better, but to be perfectly frank, I’d really prefer several hundred feet, at least.  Maybe a quarter mile.  A distance best viewed through binoculars.

11) You should be able to find a comfortable and properly fitting mask in a size and style that suits you at numerous local retail outlets or online.

12) If toilet paper supplies become short, just carry on with your unrestrained crapping in the woods.

13) If food supplies become short, I would prefer that you do not eat my family.

Advice for the bear: 1-10, 12-13

Advice for the pandemic: 1-13

.

 

COVID-Safe Schooling for Your Feral Child

Due to COVID-19 restrictions and the healthy limits you placed on screen time during quarantine, your children have likely spent several months playing in your suburban back yard, urban parks, or primeval woodlands -- where they may have acquired new habits that are counterproductive in a learning environment.  The following tips will allow for a smooth transition to the more structured environment of online learning or in-person schooling.

-- Remind your daughter that during Zoom meetings, inside voices are required.  Howling is frowned upon, even if it is a full moon.  Make sure she knows how to mute and unmute herself.  

-- Your son may become anxious if humans approach too closely.  Congratulations on instilling excellent pandemic safety training!   However, you may want to instruct him not to scamper up trees, screech, or throw spruce cones at teachers.

-- Wild berries and fresh Alaska salmon are part of a heart-healthy diet for adults and children alike, but excess consumption can lead to hibernation during class.

-- Many schools are offering outdoor sports.  If you have signed up your daughter for fall soccer practice, you may need to warn her not to growl and bare her teeth at teammates.  Save that for her opponents.  Those Laurelwood Lynxes are not to be trusted.

-- Remind your child that school rules prohibit sharpening fingernails and licking between toes during lessons on factoring polynomials.

-- Recess offers stress-relieving physical activities for children unused to long periods of focused attention.  Be aware, however, that the virus can be transmitted via activities such as tag, duck-duck-goose, grooming vermin from other students’ hair, and wrestling for alpha dominance in the pack.

-- If your child has spent his time in the wilds associating with ravens or other corvids – an easy mistake to make, depending on your autocorrect settings – you may find that he has taken to collecting shiny items such as earrings, coins, and Mr. Pumphrey’s gold teeth.  A guidance counselor will be calling you shortly.

-- Most schools are relaxing dress codes for distance education.  Be sure to check your district website for specifications regarding pajamas, spaghetti straps, fur, and feathers.  Antlers are to be discouraged, especially during the rutting season.

-- Good news: the school lunch program will still be offering meals during remote learning!  Vegetarian options are available, but no accommodations can be made for children who consume only raw voles.

-- Be sure to emphasize that although it is perfectly acceptable for your child to decorate her locker with personal items, she should refrain from marking her territory by spraying.

-- If your feral children have been fostered by halibut, trout, or sockeye, you have no cause for concern; fish do not exhale potentially infectious respiratory droplets.  Also, they take well to schools.