Pre-heat winter solstice to thirty-four
below zero. Using vegetable shorting or
softened butter, grease the dry skin
that is cracking open on your heels. Dust all surfaces with several feet of
snow.
Ingredients:
Ingredients:
2 children (plus
additional children as needed)
1 supportive
spouse
1 supportive
sister
Mother,
father, and other relations, assorted
Long-lost
friends, to taste
Not-lost
friends, to taste (all friends should be hand-picked and of the highest quality)
140 acres of
cacti
1 tent
2 dogs (plus
3 extra dogs)
1 cat (plus
4 extra cats)
2 baby
squirrels (extra baby squirrels not recommended)
17,489,393,939,393
mosquitoes
2,681,140.8
acres of baked Alaska
15.2
terabytes of data
76
sub-folders
1888 unanswered
emails
Combine
children and spouse in medium-sized winter holiday break. Whisk briskly through TSA in Fairbanks, New
York, and, Boston, and Phoenix, using two crutches, an immobilization boot, and
a metal pirate leg, [Note: whisking may not be quite as brisk as desired.]
Add cacti
and tent.
Gently mix
memories with mother, father, sister, and other family members. [Note: memories may be more mixed than
expected, and may fail to rise] Fold in
compassion and empathy, and season with complicated logistics.
Stir. Continue to stir as much as possible, to
avoid congealing and/or crankiness. Stir
using the crutches, the pirate leg, and a highly questioned combination of the
immobilization boot and a snow bike. Stirring
for the entire length of the White Mountains 100 is not too much stirring, so
long as your doctor doesn’t catch you. [Note:
She’s right behind you, on her bike.]
Sift terabytes
of data. Sprinkle liberally through
reports, papers, and gray literature.
Set aside in sub-folders, possibly forever. Spice up the mix with a dash
of online publication and a spritz of All Things Considered on the baked
Alaska.
Age children
gently but continuously until they become teenagers. Allow mixture to rise and develop freely in order
to encourage bold flavors. Season with
rock climbing, horseback riding, MathCounts, snow forts, log forts, additional
children (assorted), and dirt.
Place
long-lost friends in large hallowed red-brick institution. Shake vigorously with music from the early ‘90s. Mixture will become light, bubbly, and warm, with
the aroma of nostalgia and a sweet yet complex flavor.
Set spouse
and children on two tandem bicycles. Bake
at moderate heat for approximately 230 miles from Delta to Paxson and across
the Denali highway. Be careful not to
burn. There’s way too much burning going
on already.
Mix together
children, dogs (including one fresh-picked pup with minimal damage), cats,
mosquitoes, and baby squirrels. Use
extreme caution. High-speed mixing is
not recommended. Retain squirrels until
they are large and fluffy, then skim off into surrounding woods. [Note: cats and dogs are already large and
fluffy, and do not require skimming.]
Resulting mixture
of two children plus one extra child will be very strong. Allow mixture to mellow over 26.2 miles of
the Equinox marathon. Stir yourself enough
to stay ahead of them.
Gently fold
in lectures on statistics, a climate adaptation plan for Igiugig, and an analysis
of agricultural climate change impacts for the USDA. Do not over-mix; results should be complex,
but not utterly confusing.
Separate
church and state. Set aside governor and
president. Chill, but don’t chill too
much. Too much chilling suggests that
you are not paying attention.
Coat with
two pairs of longjohns, two pairs of socks, insulated pants, shirt, sweater,
neck warmer, hat, mittens, and jacket.
Leave the
emails for next year.
Add more
friends and family, and warm.
Serves: the purpose
Serves: the purpose
